Wednesday, December 21, 2011

My Miscarriage

My Miscarriage Vlog

I never really knew much about miscarriage until I had one. When I was pregnant with Jayden I was young and completely oblivious to the risks of pregnancy. I had no clue so many things could possibly go wrong. I just never thought that I would have a sick baby or end up not having a baby at all. In that regards I was able to enjoy my pregnancy with him. I had no fears. So when the doctor looked at me with his sad eyes and told me that my baby no longer had a heart beat my world just stopped. I had never felt so bad in my entire life. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I was crushed. The ride home from the Doctors appointment is a ride that I will never forget. I cried so hard I thought my head was going to explode. My head was pounding and it hurt sooooo bad! In my heart I already knew that I was miscarrying because of the spotting, but I refused to really belie
ve it until it was confirmed. 
My necklace to honor my angel baby
I experienced a lot of different emotions during my grieving process. At first I was just so crushed and felt like I couldn't breathe. We had perfectly planned this baby so that it would be born in May and instantly all my hopes and dreams for my May baby vanished right before my eyes. We were going to reveal the gender at Jayden's 3rd birthday party, I would have been due just a couple weeks into my summer break from college so I would have had all summer off with him or her.... The timing just couldn't have been any better. It also didn't help that a lot of my Youtube friends were due around the same time I was so I was going to have preggo buddies. It just made me feel really sad and left out. After the sadness I felt angry. Why oh why did we deserve this? Haven't we been through enough? Just this past year our son (Jayden who is 3yrs) was diagnosed with Optic Nerve Hypoplasia, A Growth Hormone Deficiency, and Hypothyroidism. Couldn't we catch a break? With all we have been through with him the past year and all the doctor appointments and tests we have had to put him through, did we really deserve to go through something this terrible? It didn't seem fair. Good thing I am an Atheist because if I wasn't I would have liked to meet God and then punch him in the face. Then after the anger came the numbness. I just decided I would block everything out and forget it ever happened. I was done crying over it and feeling angry so I decided I was just going to move on and block out all of my emotions. I would get angry at Thomas for randomly breaking out in tears because I didn't want anything to remind of what had happened. I didn't really discuss it with anyone except for Thomas and a couple of my close YT friends. But then all of a sudden I felt guilty for trying to forget. Instead I decided I wanted to celebrate the memory of my little baby even though they were only with me for a little while. That baby was loved from the moment I saw those 2 lines on that pregnancy test. My angel baby will be forever in my heart.
My OPKs and Pregnancy Tests
I have kept my OPKs and Pregnancy tests from the cycle that I conceived and plan to keep as a keepsake. It's like they are my proof that this pregnancy and  baby really did exist. I also received a necklace to review from that was made in honor of my Angel baby. It says "forever in my heart" "9 weeks". It also has a heart in the middle and a my babys would be birthstone of May. I also have an angel Candle that my dear youtube friend Kayla made for me. It is gorgeous and I absolutely LOVE it! Two of my other Youtube friends sent me a condolence vase full of flowers and I have kept a few of them and dried them out. It is so nice to have these tangible objects to remember my baby by. They are things that remind me that yes I did have a baby and I did lose him/her but their life still existed. These are things that I will keep forever. I really want to get some sort of memory box to put all the things in but I haven't found anything that will work yet.  
The Angel Candle my friend Kayla made me

Some days are harder than others and sometimes little things will set me off that make me sad again but for the most part I am doing pretty good. I am just so hopeful for the future and can't wait to fall pregnant again. I know it won't replace the baby that I lost but it will fullfill my need and desire to have another baby and give Jayden a sibling. But I am not going to lie I am TERRIFIED of pregnancy now. From what I have been through and all the things that I have learned  from the TTC and Mommy Community on Youtube I am just so scared of all the bad things that can happen. I am probably going to stress out the whole entire pregnancy. I am just so deathly scared of suffering another miscarriage. I am not sure what going through a 2nd one will do to me. Thankfully I have the love and support of my Youtube mommy/ttc community. I have gotten so much support and nice comments on my Youtube channel and it had made this whole grieving process a little easier. 

The Flowers Jennifer and Leyna sent me

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